New Chapter: Realizations

 Not everything or anyone is permanent. Some are lucky and what they once lost… had to consider dead because it made it easier to let the nights and days and years all blend together like on a canvas of multiple colors. Some are lucky because there are some things that just don’t deserve to have you back. 

For years people of all authorities would constantly tell me 

“Jana it’s not your fault…” 

But everything I did with a loving caring gentle honest heart somehow turned to cause more damage. 

For instance photos I found that got lost in my brothers and my past life photos… those weren’t mine. I returned them to the right owner of those memories. But I was looked at like a fake thief. With so much doubt that I could be a good person. It rang so loudly. 

 There are so many things sentimental to me that I’m glad I kept since I was first sent to a different home then town then city then in the middle of fucking no where that was the most happy place on earth. Memories of laughter and joy.  

Those moments on the big rock wall, mile long driveway, hayfields, buildings with grass tops. I had found a place to be happy but then we got brought to this other house with the same people… but different emotions. They became always stressed, worried, paranoid… all those happy moments were gone. So we’re the rocks everyone loved but us we only knew them for such a short time. 

By the time I was 12, I understood that I was and will always be on my own. Nobody actually cared. No one could understand me. When the first blood cycle began, I knew life was gonna be difficult. The first time I needed someone I was put off as too dramatic. When I felt left out…as they would have said… “don’t count the grains of rice” daily.

———————————————————————

As the beginning of 2023, things started making sense. There was many layers of growth to become the woman or man you desire to be. I used to think that meant your career, who you hang out with, what color is my car and is it smooth… now I know it’s just to feel happy and content in one spot. The life of colors surrounding your universe right now. 

Colors… the spread of multiple shades the galaxies carry through all these thousands and millions of years. 

My spread of colors is my beautiful daughter, my perfect man, my soft furry kitties, and the ability to help make another life a bit easier. I wish I could tell you what colors exactly… but like the ball of fire there are many layers to create the one world we know… earth. We live on the same earth but can’t get along? Can’t understand? Greedy people all around. People are filled with it… greed for money, greed for food, greed for anything that makes a human feel less human. It doesn’t stop there, because even after the greedily moments comes the guilty moments. Guilt makes a person angry and resentful. Guilt of not being good enough, guilt not be loud enough, guilt being too loud, guilt being too helpful… those thoughts of doubt.

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