I am Jana, born 2/20/02. I am now gonna be 21 in a few weeks here. I feel that in life I’ve learned to not be one to share details. I feel that from the time I was born to the first time they brought Zach home and his big head and bold eyes… same ones My daughter had when she was born… to the day he told be some things he couldn’t tell anyone else… then the lies and physical fights took place. I remember the gasoline and lighter and me screaming and crying begging them to stop… yelling at Zach to go out side the back door… to the times all we had to eat was dry cereal so I started to bring home my fruit or desert everyday after school for him to eat… I honestly don’t know if he remembers any of it because at the time Zach was only saying Sissy. He was learning how to swing and that same swing set I got to finally say goodbye to in 2020 and not it’s no longer there. That swing was our safe spot. Anyway, soon after he turned 4 first our dads mom died unexpectedly then within the next 2 months we had been to the LSS and I got placed with this family, the Nylund’s… Brenda the woman I started to call mom didn’t want Zach and he got sent back to LSS. During that time I made home and friends and then one day was just ripped out.. again… I was then placed into the kapperuds in Duluth where Zach had been. They told us they were gonna adopt us and the girl Ashley there. But ending up only keeping her. Put yourself in your 8 year old self…. This wasn’t very easy.
Before I had been placed in Duluth zach had lived in two other foster homes plus the LSS. We don’t see or talk much in that year and it was something that used to haunt me until The hays stepped in.
They promised us a safe home and my brother and I to grow up together. I just wanted a home to call mine and Zach’s again. So again I said yes and if the adoption into the family was gonna keep us permanent then yes. Soon after that all of us moved to a new house that was more like 1/16 of the Togo house. In the next year I was told what I was to call them. Here I was stilling trying to find my place in a very unknown environment and family difference. It was nothing like I had just two and a half years before. I was stuck and that promise of a safe place to stay was now a place of confusing angry people. I knew from in the last two years if I didn’t do what was said I’d be either one-thrown into the system, two- I’d loose my brother forever, three- was there a way I could meet half way… it took awhile but I was finally allowed to call her mama holiday and papa John. It felt safer because at that point I’d learned in the first 9 years of my life that parents were unsafe and so I refused to call them mom and dad. The more I was reminded I was different, the more I was reminded that I wasn’t being who they expected me to be. At the time i was supposed to be this 9 year old daughter. I didn’t know how to be a daughter. I had learned to keep my distance or I may get very hurt. I had learned I had to protect my baby boy till the day I died. When I was 15 I tried to do something to myself that either would make me feel more like I belonged or if I died I’d be free to be who I wanted…to fly like a bird. To this day birds hold a deep piece of why I am okay and content with life now.
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